Changing Terms

Negotiating communication with one's spouse, in the newly empty nest, can be challenging. For the last 21 years our communications have centered on, or been impacted by, the presence of our little people; now we have been abandoned in this nest by those little people to rediscover each other.

My husband's parents shared a piece of wisdom with us early in our marriage: "Give yourself a couple of years before you have kids," they said, "and get to know each other better, because when the kids are gone, you will want a "couple" relationship to return to."  We followed this suggestion, but now find ourselves returning to (rather quickly, it seems) couple status, and I'm struggling a little with the increased communication that occurs because two people spend a lot of time together again.

Early on in our marriage, communication was easy and unfettered.  We talked about what we wanted, when we wanted, typically uninterrupted.  Soon, however, our attempts at communication were interrupted by wails and whines of nonverbal need. Typically when these things happened, one, or both of us dropped what we were doing, a conversation was postponed, or a project put down, to address the immediate needs of our progeny.

Later, our communication focused on the physical needs of the kids, ranging from, "Are you able to fix dinner?" to "I've got a late meeting, are you able to do pick up?" And, the days flew by so swiftly that there wasn't much time for additional communication.

Most recently, during the last years of high school our conversations have gone like this: "Did you see R this morning?  What were her plans tonight?  Was she driving?  Who was she with? Did she say when she might be home?"

Now, spending more time than ever together, even with both of us working, communication (how and what we say to each other) needs to perhaps be more carefully considered, before it is begun.  While the emptying of the nest may make some aspects of life more simple, there are other aspects that rise in complexity.  Continuing to reflect on this, for me, will be important.