Cause I'm a Worrier...

I roll over, grab my cellphone and squint my eyes a little to block the bright glow of the device that has become my constant companion.   It's four o'clock in the morning.  Ugh.  I have another hour and a half before the my constant companion rings me out of bed.  Why am I awake now? 

It could be because I'm feeling conflicted about so many things...my "little gray cells" must be really tired of trying to resolve these things while I sleep.  In the dim haze of a rainy morning I worry on: 


Sadness that testing is such a focus of the last month of school for students and staff...
and guilty joyfulness every day when the standardized testing is over and it has gone relatively smoothly.

Feeling purposeful as I prepare teachers to give these tests...
and purposeless as I analyze the data; what do these numbers really say about/for kids? Us?

My ability to make a difference in the lives of students...
my perceived inability to make a difference in the daily lives of students.

Totally anticipating the long, slow days of summer...
while stressing that they will be over-planned, hectic, and gone too quickly.

The sheer number of evaluations I must write before the end of school...
and the length of time it takes to do each one.

The health of  a couple of very important people in my life...
and my lack of ability to help at all.

Turning 50 this summer....FIFTY?
I used to calculate how old I'd be when we started the new millennium (34!) and that seemed ancient.

Children, one back for the summer, life in his hands, me grappling with releasing the reins...
the other ready to launch, me holding on to her reins for dear life trying to slow things down.

These are the things that cause me to wake up in the gray light of dawn. 

I roll over, pull the covers up to my neck, and squeeze my eyes shut.  Just a few more minutes of sleep will help me, I'm sure.