Strength and Fragility

We are fragile beings - nothing drives this point home more than watching my mom struggle with multiple significant health issues.  

My mother is a small-town girl from the country.  New Yorker - but, she'll tell you, not from the city, from up North where ancient mountains dominate the horizon and streams and rivers abound.  She is the Army General's wife - raising five kids all over the globe, moving them, educating them - and then sending them out into the world, all while being married to the Army.  She is the person who was home when we moved every few years.  Even now, when I think of home, it's where my mom is. She is, without a doubt, the strongest person I know.    

Seeing her in the hospital bed, wearing an interested face and making small talk the way you are supposed to when there are visitors, is inspiring.  When the visitors go there is a glimpse of the stress and strain this fall and subsequent hospitalization is having on her.  There is a tremble to her chin, and a wobble to her fingers.  Her broken bones aren't hurting her yet - the pain meds are strong.  And, I'm glad that she hasn't asked for a mirror, as the bruising is terrible.  Her voice shakes a little with acknowledgement when she conveys to me that the doctor reported "This will be a long road to recovery." 

So, I was not surprised when she said this evening, "Well, if I'm going to be here for a while I need to get into some routines.  Ellen, please get my face wipes and my cold cream.  Let's start there."  

As the shift change occurs, the nurse pops in to say goodbye and the General's wife returns, graciously thanking her for the help over the last few days and wishing her a relaxing few days off.    

Why We Do What We Do!

This morning, tired and stressed, I subbed in for one of the admin team covering cafeteria duty.  This is the best part of the morning (I said, sarcastically) - before the school day starts, when students come into the cafeteria and pretend they are going to eat breakfast, and then don't.  

Getting from Door 1 - where they enter the building to the cafeteria door can sometimes be way more fun than it should be.  So, this morning found me, somewhat grumpily, standing in the hallway welcoming students into the cafeteria for breakfast.  

As the first bell began to ring, one of our seventh graders, autistic, hyper-focused, and often incensed by the behavior of other students, walked up to me.  Squinting through his glasses, hat pulled low and fists curled in agitation, Adam glared at me and then said, "Congratulations, Ms. E. Smith, on being Principal of the Year." 

"Thank you, Adam," I responded, "You are the best."  He grinned and moved on into his day.  And, so did I.  

Self-care for Ladies of a Certain Age

 Last Wednesday, sitting in the hospital while my mom was undergoing a second surgery to immobilize her broken pelvis, I began to feel lightheaded and slightly nauseous.  I was terrified that, like my brother the day before, I was coming down with the norovirus.  Literally, terrified.  I left my sisters and headed home anticipating the nasty symptoms would descend on me swiftly.  

Fortunately, nothing.  I was tired, exhausted really, and napped off and on till dinner.  My mom, always upbeat, noted the next day that I likely just had a sinking spell.  "Not surprising," she said, "ladies of a certain age always have sinking spells."

Yesterday, back at the hospital for a long stretch, I again felt lightheaded and dizzy.   In the afternoon, my husband mentioned he often felt incredibly stressed during hospital visits. When he added, "I get lightheaded and feel uncomfortable," I realized that the symptoms I was experiencing were likely stress and anxiety-related.  

So, at least I know what's going on and what to do.  Taking care of one's self is never easy to prioritize, and during times of great stress it's even harder.  But, the walk I took in the evening yesterday was something that I can do again, and my plan to spend time with friends and family can help as well.  

Reality Check

The cell phone vibrates with a call; my sister...but my dinner is just heated and the glass of wine stands ready to refresh.  I hit the button on the side, shut down the call, and turn the phone over.  Focused on a late dinner after a long day, I pick up the glass and sip the chilled sauvignon blanc.  

Zzzzt, Zzzzzt, Zzzzzt.  "Hmm," I think, "Another call?  That's unusual."  I flip over the phone and my heart drops when I see it's my sister calling again...and then, a text from her saying, "I need you to call me now."  

I answer - and within two minutes I'm on the way to the ER.  "Life can change in a blink," my mom says, when I finally get to see her.  "We were just carrying a plant up the stairs."  

My parents have been so young and vigorous that the years creeping by have deceived me. In one fell swoop their (and our) lives have become more complex, and yet what's important has been drilled down to one simple concept:  gratitude.  

Mom will be ok, I hope - it will be a long journey to recovery.  Dad will be ok - his bruises and bumps will heal.  Our family will ensure they have what they need.   So thankful for my siblings and extended family.  Grateful for more time.   

Faced with an Audience...

I have literally no idea what I said on Thursday afternoon.  I do remember standing on stage, microphone in hand, and gazing into the darkened auditorium, overwhelmed by your support.   

Here is what I wish I had said:  I love being the principal of Dorothy Hamm Middle School.  I love the relationships I have built with staff, students, and families.  I love our mission - to create a place where YOU belong and gain the skills YOU need to become whatever you want.  I love learning with you and building the skills I need to be and do better.  

There are a lot of I's in that paragraph, but the job is really about WE.  Together, WE have created an amazing school.  We have developed relationships that are the foundation for student success.  We seek to create a place of belonging and becoming for staff and students alike.  Our building's Civil Rights history asks US to ensure that a rigorous, high-quality education is accessible by all who enter our doors - and together we work hard to make this happen.  

And thank you. 

• to my family for helping me lean forward into life
• to the teachers and staff I've learned from over the years (yes, you)
• to the talented administrators I've worked for and collaborated with 
• to the students whose infinite potential brightens the future 

We aren't done.  Let's continue.  

Gratefully.   

Acceptable Escape

My go-to activity these days is to hunker down into my reading chair and escape into fiction of all sorts. Reading is an acceptable form of escape from the demands and complexities of my life.  Over the course of two weeks, I devour many books, reading before bed and for hours on the weekend.  

A trip to the library for replenishing complete, I relax into my chair, book bag on my lap, and I pull each book out to reread the inside cover.  Where will I start?  

• Something light and humorous - currently reading anything by Jenny Colgan for this category.  
• Romantic - possibly a historical novel from Mary Balogh.  
• Scary - am I ready for something that I can't put down while my heart remains in my throat until the last page like the most recent Kristin Hannah?  

An orderly stack develops to the left of my chair - and soon the bag sits empty on the right, ready to collect the finished books and the cycle can begin again.  Ahh...

After Action Report

I sit quietly in my chair, breathing in and out in an attempt to calm myself after the argument.  I focus on the rhythmic whooshing in my ears and veins and the trembling of my arm muscles.  I realize I'm gripping the arms of the chair and move to relax my hands, breathing in while I stretch the fingers out.  The fuzzy feeling in my head must be a post-adrenaline chemical reaction, the down after such an intense up.  Drained, I stay where I am.