Cause I'm a Worrier...

I roll over, grab my cellphone and squint my eyes a little to block the bright glow of the device that has become my constant companion.   It's four o'clock in the morning.  Ugh.  I have another hour and a half before the my constant companion rings me out of bed.  Why am I awake now? 

It could be because I'm feeling conflicted about so many things...my "little gray cells" must be really tired of trying to resolve these things while I sleep.  In the dim haze of a rainy morning I worry on: 


Sadness that testing is such a focus of the last month of school for students and staff...
and guilty joyfulness every day when the standardized testing is over and it has gone relatively smoothly.

Feeling purposeful as I prepare teachers to give these tests...
and purposeless as I analyze the data; what do these numbers really say about/for kids? Us?

My ability to make a difference in the lives of students...
my perceived inability to make a difference in the daily lives of students.

Totally anticipating the long, slow days of summer...
while stressing that they will be over-planned, hectic, and gone too quickly.

The sheer number of evaluations I must write before the end of school...
and the length of time it takes to do each one.

The health of  a couple of very important people in my life...
and my lack of ability to help at all.

Turning 50 this summer....FIFTY?
I used to calculate how old I'd be when we started the new millennium (34!) and that seemed ancient.

Children, one back for the summer, life in his hands, me grappling with releasing the reins...
the other ready to launch, me holding on to her reins for dear life trying to slow things down.

These are the things that cause me to wake up in the gray light of dawn. 

I roll over, pull the covers up to my neck, and squeeze my eyes shut.  Just a few more minutes of sleep will help me, I'm sure. 

A Little Alone Time

Missed yesterday's blog opportunity - life was overwhelming - but I'm back at it today.

I'm in a unique position this evening - I'm home alone.  My hubby and two kids (teenagers, really, but I'll always consider them the kids) are at a Nats Game (Go Nats!) and I'm feeling deliciously free to set my own schedule.

Motoring home this afternoon I considered the possibilities of my evening:

• I could work...which will be there tomorrow, for sure
• I could escape into TV programs, that I don't usually have time to watch
• I could visit a family member...which I really need to do
• But...

I pressed the gas pedal a little harder in my anticipation, whipped the car into the parking lot of our local grocery, and bought a frozen dinner and a container of ice cream.  The freedom to choose without considering anyone else's needs, desires, or dislikes made me giddy.  

Unloading my groceries at the house, with only the dog to keep me company, I reveled in my ability to complete the silly tasks that sometimes drag me down.  The trash cans went out to the street, the dishes that were waiting for me got washed quickly, laundry was started.  And, I'm happily cooking my own skillet dinner, anticipating dessert and a glass of wine.   

Sometimes it's nice to set and take care of my own agenda.  

Games of Chance

I have a guilty pleasure...I love to play Monopoly - not the board game that goes on for hours, with corrupted real estate dealings, but the game of chance, like the one our Safeway Supermarket has going on right now.

As soon as the game was advertised I picked up my colorful, paper game board at our local grocery and made my purchases, yielding six game pieces.  I grabbed the six green squares, gleefully, and raced out of the store to take a look at what I got.  After carefully spreading out the board, I opened the game pieces revealing four smaller pieces that can be stuck onto the board in groups (think the colors that tie the properties together.  Eek - how exciting!  I pasted all of my pieces down and marveled at how quickly I was filling up my board; then I headed back to Safeway.

My daughter and I were laughing about how much fun we were having with this game and scheming about getting the winning ticket - perhaps for the vacation home, maybe the college education, when Rebecca said, "Mom, I think my friend Sophia is playing too! What if we shared our extra tickets?" Because by now, we had bags of extra green tickets that we didn't want to throw away, just in case. We worked out a deal with Sophia - any extras, we'd exchange and if we hit the jackpot, we'd split it. And, I headed up to Safeway.  

Flash forward five weeks - my game board is very full now - but for every "property" section, I'm missing one piece that would complete the property and make me a winner...even a five dollar winner.  I'm determined to win something. I know we will win!  I contemplate driving to another state for a larger variety of tickets.  I head up to my Safeway.  Two tickets - no winners.

My hubby went to Safeway yesterday to stock up for the weekend and a special dinner. When I got home, 12 green tickets were waiting for me on the table. They are still there!  All of the sudden I don't want to go through the possibility of not winning, anything; I'm not willing to actually take the chance...until I head up to Safeway for a couple of things, and come home with a few more tickets, and I decide that I might just have a chance.  I'll open them up and...?

Challenges and Changes

I'm giddy - my oldest comes home from college on Friday!  So looking forward to seeing him and observing how much he has grown and changed over the last months.

I remember my first summer home - I hadn't been that far away (in the same city, really) but I hadn't been home much at all.  I guess we go to college to have different experiences and "try on" new personas and such.  Well, I came home spewing the f word... it was just part of my regular speech in college, i'm embarrassed to admit now.  WTF?  No F-ing way!

Perhaps having younger children still at home (like 13 years younger than me) made my mom especially sensitive to my foul mouth.  She took care of my problem though.  One afternoon after one to many curse words, she grabbed my arm and marched me into the bathroom.

"Pick up that bar of soap," she said with frustration.  "Now, put it in your mouth and bite it! That'll help you remember to clean up your language around here."

I can still taste dial soap in my mouth - what a brutal and highly effective consequence.

I am anticipating that my Freshman's arrival home will bring some interesting challenges - hopefully he will be smarter than me.  But mostly, I'm just looking forward to see him.

Stressful Celebrations

The two of them stalked the short, gray-haired dance mom who walked the lost information from the results room to the results wall...one last dance, one last chance for a win.  

"Move aside, please," hollered the mom, pushing through the crowd of adolescent girls;  she struggled to be heard over the Irish jig lilting from the gym and the giggling, screaming, moaning crowd which parted reluctantly to let her through.

My Beautiful Dancer!

As the results were taped to the wall, I watched my dancer swing her arm around her best dance buddy's neck and the two closed their eyes in hope and in fear. The day had not been great for my dancer - three of four dances posted and no first places...no places at all.  She had felt good in her dances - but her dances were huge and very competitive - and Irish dancing is notoriously subjective to judge.

Squeals emanated from where the two girls stood, arms pulled faces close and tight smiles appeared on their faces...something good had happened, but we couldn't tell what.  They turned toward the gauntlet of moms, and the best buddy yelled, "Rebecca got a first!"

Rebecca held on to her buddy tightly, looking relieved to have placed first, but also slightly guilty that she had something to celebrate and her friend did not.  Congratulations were passed around and she graciously, calmly, respectfully accepted these.  Finally, we headed out of the building, finished with Irish Dance Competitions for a month.

"Whoo, hoo, A First!
" she hollered after leaping into the car and slamming the door!  

Stress Test...

Feeling tense this afternoon - stressed out - at odds with the world - close to tears. All day, in fact.  Why? Not exactly sure - but a drive in the car with my newly permitted daughter helped cure me.

• I practiced my isometric exercises (I was clenching my fists, tightly) while Rebecca drove carefully (read really slowly) around the parking lot.  
• I worked on repetition, that's supposed to relieve stress, right?  " Stop... ...stop ... stop now! Turn.... turn the wheel... turn the wheel now." 
• My core is feeling very loved, as my stomach muscles were tensed for a full thirty minute window - without breaks!  Isn't that the same as doing a plank?

Well, after returning home, I'm relieved to say that I feel more relaxed - and she did very well driving.  I'm going to remember this method of relaxing....It's available to anyone else who might need a stress reliever, free - call me.  Please.

A Gift of Writing

Dear Mom,

As I considered the topic for my blog post for the last day of March, the last day of the Two Writing Teachers "Slice of Life" Writing Challenge, I thought I might pen a post to one of my favorite readers, who has been on my mind so much during the last couple of months - YOU!

Just wanted to let you know how much we love you.  We have been shocked (and are probably still in denial, to a certain extent) by your diagnosis.  We worry very much about not being able to be closer: to make dinners, to give you a hug, to just be there for you and dad.  I've admired how strong you have sounded when we have spoken on the phone; I hope that in a similar situation that I will be able to respond with the grace and strength that you have displayed.  I love hearing that you and dad are such a team - that's reassuring and reminds me that meaningful relationships grow only stronger when challenged.

Because we can't be there physically, to help you through this - and you will get through it - I will try to keep writing on my blog on a weekly basis.  I hope this gift of writing proves entertaining, perhaps comforting, or at least distracting, or even like a written hug sent to you every Tuesday from the Smith family.

Thinking of you every day - and sending you thoughts and prayers for strength and serenity.

With much love,

E